twitchy_fingers

Review of Fall 2009

Sat, 26 Dec 2009 08:53:45 GMT

End of Semester Review:

Classes in the order they fell in my schedule from the start of the week:

Plant Biology: A+

The professor for this class had a speech deficiency (or simply talked really slow), so we not only fell behind in work and had to skip over a couple of sections, but it made him seem more boring than he actually was. But he knew his stuff, and typically had examples to support what he was teaching us in the class. There was enough extra credit available for the course that I ended the class with 103%. Needless to say, I’m happy with the outcome. No friendships were developed in this class, but I have a few familiar faces to see around campus.

Contemporary Literary Writers: B

The professor for this class was one that I’ve had for what would be the third semester in a row now (the previous two semesters being my nonfiction classes). A bit dry, with a tendency to drone and confuse people when his monologue ends in a question, but an enjoyable professor overall. I liked the subject matter, but when it came down to it, I wasn’t able to analyze and write critically as well as I needed to for this class. Most of the people in this class were those I have been previously familiarized with, though the guy who I managed to make friends with the most was a new face to me. I exited this class having built relationships with the people I already knew just a bit more.

Intro to Research in Communication: B

Unlike my first attempt at this course, this time around was a pleasant experience. The professor was funny, engaging, and always trying to make us laugh while subtly trying to get us to learn (the degree of that changed later in the semester, but we’d already been hooked through his excellent teaching skills). I’m even pleased to say that I have one of his classes again next semester! The course work was moderately challenging (though my first paper absolutely bombed, which hurt my grade). There was an enjoyable mix of characters for my classmates, and the team I worked with on a couple of projects really did well (our final paper was the best in the class, we were told). I’m leaving this class with a few good relationships, and I hope to see those people again in future classes.

Persuasion: A

For this class, I had the same, enjoyable, red-headed professor that I had for Communication 202 in my freshman year. I’m happy to say that she hasn’t changed in the past two years. She’s still energetic, exciting, and passionate to see her students advance, learn, and enjoy the course work. The course work was moderately challenging, and consisted entirely of writing assignments (precluded by either reading or attending and engagement event). She sent me an email at the end of the semester saying that she appreciated my good work for the course, which made me feel better about the quality of my submissions. I left this class with some superficial relationships with people, though they’ll likely be familiar faces around campus like most.

Media and Society: B

“Oh gosh. Moose.”

Words from the professor while doing a parody of Sarah Palin, something he routinely did about one or two times each class. He was a mix of hilarious and somewhat appalling. His exams were tough, but the rest of the course work somewhat easy. I have to admit that I enjoyed this class, and never left it without having laughed heartily at some point. There were a few mavericks in the class who really made class discussion (which frequently was derailed) interesting. I have to say that my team project (an online media museum) was one of the more frustrating aspects of the course. My team was relatively disorganized, and we got the bulk of the work done in the week before the museum was due. They did do most of the research (on comic books, a subject that I knew nothing about) while I worked on building the media museum. In the end, I think we did fairly well with both content and design. The professor actually curved the grades on the discussion board and the media museums, probably to encourage students to not just try to do “good enough.” I took a few decent relationships from this class in my media museum team, and I’m going to surprise myself by admitting that, despite the disorganization of the team, I wouldn’t mind seeing them in another class next semester.

Friendships:

Already discussed, but I have a small handful of people who I built a relationship with this semester. I think only one or two of those relationships will actually carry over through the next semester (one guy, out of the blue, offered to let me stay with him in his dorm should I get stranded on campus next winter, and praise God for that). I think I managed to do a little better than other semesters, and see that as a very positive sign that I’m beginning to crawl out of my shell, and venture further outside of my cage, to develop friendships with people.

Zach and I managed to be decent friends throughout the semester, though not quite what I had expected in previous posts. I think it’s safe to say we’re good for hanging out with each other for certain next semester though. It’s a relationship that will be easy to continue building.

Lessons learned:

I can still pull stuff out of my butt at the last minute, but the consequences of doing so are a little harsher than before. For example: the paper I bombed in Intro to Research in Communication was one that I waited too long to start, then didn’t have time to ask the professor for advice on. To be honest, I don’t think I deserve many of the decent grades I got this semester, simply because of the sheer amount of time I spent slacking off and waiting until the last minute to complete assignments. It would always strike me while completing those assignments how easy and quick it was (my grades would often reflect positively on that assessment), and if it took so little time and was such an easy task, why did I wait to do it? Perhaps I am still brilliant, but unmotivated.

Miscellaneous:

I received only $42 back in books this semester. Frankly, I’m getting tired of this, and plan on seeing if I can get anything cheaper over the internet for Spring (despite having enough money for it to not make much of a difference).

I got my driver license and was able to cut down immensely on the amount of gas I used, and to further enable myself to stay late for team meetings and events. It evens out, the margin of error being in my favor, to have my driver license. The biggest pain of driving is the expense of auto maintenance: in one week, I shelled out $600 for a tune-up and oil change, then $100 for a new tire. I’m definitely missing that money right now, but I won’t need any typical auto maintenance, other than the relatively cheap oil change, for a while now. Another thing that stinks about driving yourself is when you’re really tired. I was forced to depend on caffeine to keep me awake a few nights, but suffered when it kept me up well past midnight. It’s a vicious cycle.

Looking forward:

Next semester, I’ll have 17 hours of classes. This includes five normal classes for fifteen hours, and two hours for a PE lecture, along with the lab (zero hours). In addition to the PE, I’ll be taking three communication courses, an English course required of Juniors, and a geography course (Economic Geography) to satisfy a general education requirement. The communication courses could be difficult, but I must take them, and it’s a bridge I will have to cross. (Plus, more difficult COMM courses are ahead, so there is no sense in avoiding them now.) I believe I will try for the public relations concentration in the communication major, but I have heard some stories about how the work in that area is so terribly dreaded. We’ll see how I manage COMM 269: Intro to Public Relations.

Next semester could find me dealing with some rough winter weather again, which scares me because I’m driving now. However, a classmate from this past semester has offered to take me in should I get stranded on campus. I think we’ll get along just fine, too.

The best part about next semester? That could be Spring Break. Don’t press me for details just yet, because I haven’t finalized everything. I’m so freaking excited, though.

An Irrational Fear

Thu, 03 Dec 2009 04:15:12 GMT

Wednesday, December 02, 2009

Tonight, I realized that the past few weeks seem to have been about myself. Me. Me. Me. But in one particular way: the desire for affirmation.

For whatever reason, I’ve developed an irrational fear of being left behind, forgotten, overshadowed, ignored, or even replaced or rejected. I even have vivid nightmares about it. I can’t get around it and it won’t pass on by. It’s not a new theme; it’s an old one that likes to re-occur every so often. But I feel like I’m being driven to the point of paranoia. For instance, one nightmare occurred where through miscommunications, I was simply forgotten and replaced on the worship team. Another nightmare involved me being outright rejected by a close friend.

So what the heck is going on? I know God loves and accepts me, He’s using me, and my name even means that God has not forgotten me. But this recent bout... is nearly unprecedented. I’m confused and frustrated and reduced to ranting about the silliest things because I overanalyze, see something that’s not there, and spout off. May God help me.

Youth Convention 2009

Mon, 23 Nov 2009 02:40:04 GMT

Sunday, November 22, 2009

What do you do when you go to the well to seek the baptism and power of the Holy Spirit and come up empty again? What do you do when you seek God’s will for your life, yet remain directionless?

Like last year, I’ve come back from Youth Convention trying to understand how God has worked in my life, and not seeing much. The worship was awesome, the presence of God tangible, and the fellowship good (outside of the insanity in the hotel). But I don’t know how much my life has been changed. I prayed for God to make bold changes inside of me, yet I do not know that those changes can make an escape from my prayer life and invade my everyday life.

The final altar was for the baptism of the Holy Spirit. I haven’t been filled since, I think, camp of 2007, despite seeking since then. Youth Convention wasn’t any different. Why God appears to want me to spend yet more time seeking the Holy Spirit, or what is inside my heart that impedes the Holy Spirit, I do not know.

As far as seeking God’s will for my life, I’m still clueless. I still have to learn things through trial and error. I’m tempted to ask God to call me into the ministry, simply so I can have a calling to pursue and a goal to look to, but the idea of it scares me a little. Besides, that’s probably not where God wants me. Where He wants me, I cannot say. But one thing that stuck out to me was when the speaker (who was awesome, by the way) said that even if we’re seeking God’s specific will for our lives, but don’t have it yet, that our calling is to be a devout follower of Christ. Being in college and taking courses, I’m crying out that it’s a bit late for me to be a follower of Christ without any other idea of what God wants for me. But I should accept that God wants me to be His witness on campus, something I’m not terribly good at right now. More things to work on.

All that being said, there were some positive things that I saw done in other people at Youth Convention. Seeing one particular young lady open up and engage in worship to God touched my heart. And before we even left the parking lot of The Gathering Place (location of Youth Convention), a young man said “I don’t know about you guys, but that was the best weekend of my life.” Wow! As I look back on last year, I see some things that didn’t pan out for the long-term, and I’m scared for some of these youth and their new passion for God, because Satan will try to rip it out before the roots grow deep. They need to cultivate their fire for God, so that it will culminate in a harvest. (Got to love the plant metaphors.) I’ll keep them in my prayers.

Outside of the God stuff, things were pretty whacky. The guys rooms had a vendetta against each other up until nearly 4am, and I, being the lone guy to want to stay uninvolved, was a victim way too often. Getting wet and being put into headlocks and choke-holds (I truly panic when this happens) isn’t conducive to getting much sleep. For lunch Saturday, James took the guys out of the way to this awesome Mexican (literally so) restaurant. The food was filling, great tasting, and inexpensive. I like to think that since I spoke Spanish to the waiter (something ridiculed by the other guys), he was more friendly in giving us stuff on the house! On the way to the Mexican restaurant, we had a near-death experience when somebody made a left turn in front of us, then basically stopped in the middle of the highway. It about killed the brakes on the van. Afterward, we had a serious moment of bonding while we cheered and chanted about cheating death...

Flu and Failings to Convention and Christmas

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 03:01:37 GMT

Thursday, November 19, 2009

A week ago, I believe I came down with the flu, and stupidly continued to attend classes while being a little miserable and hoping otherwise. My fever and the aches weren’t as bad as they had been last semester when I attended classes through a 102 fever, but still... I would like to say I survived the swine flu! I can only hope that I did not transmit whatever it was to other people. Ironically, though, I’ve been more careful about that sort of thing this semester, yet it got me nowhere.

So lately I’ve been thinking about my “failures” to hear God and recognize what His will for my life is. Mostly, it’s a trial and error process, feeling more like trial and error and error and error! I’ve spent some time learning where God does NOT want me to go. Then again, He does miracles and works in mysterious ways. Knowing that makes things more frustrating, considering there is nothing you can safely and comfortably exclude from happening in your life simply because nothing is impossible without God. BUT I think it’s better to say that I’ve gotten definite “no” answers through a couple failures.

Admittedly, I’m kind of talking about relationships. But I only define failure as “a relationship that did not work out” and nothing more. Nothing ugly happened, really. For the record, I did call things off, for some reasons that I’ll stay silent about and others that are irrelevant to type here. What I’m trying to get around to saying here is that strangely, I feel more comfortable without a romantic interest in my life. There’s nobody to consider at this time, and it’s a freeing feeling.

Obviously, from some of my entries, it’s pretty easy to conclude that I’m the hopeless romantic. And I am. I’m a bit feminine when it comes to relationships, strangely, and I tend to want a lot of things that gals typically want instead. Maybe I need to work a bit more on my masculinity, but can it really hurt to just be me? Quiet, reserved, Zach who just wants a bit of affirmation and a heart-to-heart chat every so often?

Where I’m at right now is indecision. Obviously, I’ll be pursuing friendships, but not relationships, for some time. But when is there a right time to look for God’s will with another gal? The puzzling and most consternating thing is that a definitive “yes/no” answer is hard to come by. God doesn’t seem to be in the business of literally illuminating a gal and cuing a heavenly chorus as a positive sign. (Lol.) Somehow, I feel that it’s probably best to complete college before dating somebody. Yet I don’t know when the crash will hit and I’ll once again wish for somebody to be my better half.

And besides, a part of me wants to live in Washington State if there are jobs available when I graduate. I just love the area... no, it doesn’t have anything to do with *anybody*, except for relatives, which might make the initial weeks a bit easier while, say, I look for alternative housing. But get a girlfriend in Indiana... that would make it harder.

I am increasingly becoming aware of how people are watching me and making judgments. Positive judgments.

Exhibit A: a guy from one of my class teams for work on a project says he’s trying to be more like me. Should I ask, “how so,” he’ll tell me that I’m the model Christian guy, and all that. Personally, I never realized how much differently I’ve been living in front of him, or others, and it signals to me that people are recognizing the difference in me. And, for all I know, waiting for me to mess up and become their version of a “stereotypical hypocritical.” Also, another guy, a self-proclaimed pagan (among other things), recognizes that I’m a “devout Christian” yet finds me an acceptable person. Yet this drives me to ask... is living my life differently simply enough, a flag or a beacon to somebody who might be driven to ask me to help them find an answer from God for their lives?

Exhibit B: it has been noticed that I tend to do a decent job on my class work. A senior student from two of my classes told me that a professor was looking for (turned out to not be the case) undergrads for a 400-level class that he was only allowing a few motivated undergrads to be a part of, along with graduate students. Since I’ve now learned the full details of that class, I’ve decided to decline (the meeting time, especially, makes it hard). But my fellow student was under the impression that I tend to work hard and get things done.

Exhibit C: today, my professor (the wild, crazy, fun, and tough one) basically announced to the whole class, while discussing individual strengths that we might want to individually draw upon for team projects, that she knew me really well, and that I was great at organization and detailing. Whoa there... really now? Since my entire team was then under the assumption of what she said, I talked to her after class about it. She said that by reading my work she had found that I was good with these things, and at managing the “little pieces.” It’s something that has made me think.

Youth convention is tomorrow! Sanctus Real will be giving a concert there too. Should be awesome. I’m hoping that they’ll play “I’m Forgiven”, which is a song I’ve recently heard on the radio and absolutely love.

More importantly, I’m praying that God does some awesome things there. I pray that God is going to radically change some lives, and give those in my youth group who attend a fire to burn. Personally, I’m hoping that I won’t find it empty like I did last year. It left me confused, puzzled, and didn’t help my walk with God at all. Shame on me for letting that get me down, but normally I expect something to happen, and it does. So what does God have in store for me starting tomorrow evening? I have no clue. Yet I accept and embrace it, and pray that I’ll be ready to recognize and accept His will and His calling on my life.

I helped the Espinozas move in to their apartment in Greencastle today. I have mixed feelings about Jason returning to the piano on Sunday mornings. I love to play. Last night, I had a terrible nightmare in which I was supposed to play, but there was some confusion. Jason was playing instead, and I literally ran from the sanctuary, so unable I was to be in there, feeling betrayed and hurt. Hopefully, that isn’t a reflection of how I actually feel. I know I’ll be able to at least play the keyboard on some Sundays, but the truth is... I hate it. I have never been able to get around feeling out of place, insignificant, and suppressed (along with not being able to make myself sound good) when I’ve sat there. Why am I typing all of this? Because I need to get it out. And I’m praying that God is with the worship team, and especially me, during this time of transition. I want to be a worshipper, and I want to feel like God is using me and the talents He’s given me.

But I’ll have to let that talent go on the Sundays I’m down in Georgia during Christmas break. Becca and I will be visiting Carrie and the relatives in what will be a bittersweet time, leaving mom here to care for the animals by herself, and knowing I’ll return to a youth group who might forget about me (or at least, simply not miss me much) in the process of making many new memories during the holidays. Looking ahead to this has made me realize how afraid I am of letting go of all of these people, even if I can’t feel they would share the same sentiment toward me...

Waste Not, Want Not

Sun, 08 Nov 2009 02:00:07 GMT

Saturday, November 07, 2009

God has not called me to be wasteful.

For those who routinely read my livejournal entries, it’s pretty evident that I hold myself accountable. For a lot. For everything. Yet I chronically and consistently fail to do much about it. Over the past two years, I’ve steadily and dangerous developed the bad habit of wasting my time, and the bad habit of wasting my money.

It might help if I actually earned my money, and then had less time to actually waste. God has blessed me incredibly with financial grants, scholarships, and other aid. To put it simply, so long as gasoline stays under seven or eight dollars a gallon, I have no need to take on a job. (If I wanted to live on campus, or at least away from home, I would have to consider extra income.) Since I have no job, I have plenty of time. This should, naturally, transpire into excellent grades. Last semester I took on 18 hours of course work and earned 5 A’s and a single B. This semester might not be so pristine.

That’s because I have developed the atrocious habit of sitting around and doing nothing. Nothing productive, that is. Despite the good feelings I get from finishing a project hours or even an entire day before it is due, I cannot bring myself to do it consistently. I must wait until the last minute, and inevitably do poorly (or simply miss an A) because I don’t have the time to ask the professor for advice or give a paper a second look after it’s sat around for a day or so.

I’ve also noticed that I tend to be a lot more free with my money than I was when I first started college. Having a lot of money has a bad effect on you. During my first freshman semester, I was able to get through without splurging too much, though admittedly I thought that the money I had was supposed to get me through the next semester (and things were looking really tight from that viewpoint). The next semester went similarly, but I found myself spending slightly more. I’ve noticed that, when I become afraid of my money supply lasting me through the summer or winter break, I become tight again with my wallet. It might sound good, but it’s not long after the next check comes in that I’m embracing my newfound habit more than before. It’s a scary thing, and it’s going to get out of control if I don’t cap it now. I only have another 18 or so months before I graduate, and that’s plenty of time to develop a destructive spending habit, or a smart one. (Most of my problem appears to be the physical need to sustain oneself with food, but not in a smart, inexpensive, or even healthy way. Curse you, Burger King and Taco Bell.)

Yesterday was typical of these two habits, and why I’m driving myself to type this entry right now. I hate how I waste my time. I hate how I waste my money (dropped 7 bucks unnecessarily for a meal, a MEAL at Burger King, instead of just a sandwich). I hate how I waste my time (I should have researched for a team project or two or three, but promised the tasks to Monday).

Today? I looked up classes for Spring 2010 and read through a book I’m supposed to do a report on in a few weeks. The least painful stuff. I still have a 150 word freewrite on poetry (that I also read today, but did not understand as usual) due for Monday, on top of the research I need to do. Tuesday holds a couple more writing projects. I’ve even sat down and wrote on sticky notes what tasks were due what day next week, and it’s almost overwhelming! I KNOW that I have the time to complete them, yet I also understand that I may as well not have the motivation to complete them in a timely and less stressful manner.

For the productivity thing, I don’t know what I need. I just need to be more motivated and less of a procrastinator. For the money thing, I probably need to take a course on finances. Because what’s next? A credit card? Spending money I don’t have? I remain proudly debt-free, and plan to remain that way for some time to come.

The bottom line is, I need help.

Full-Spectrum Updates

Mon, 26 Oct 2009 02:12:40 GMT

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Shame on me for not updating this journal.

First of all: the Indiana State Sycamores, if you still haven’t heard, broke the NCAA’s longest 33 game losing streak yesterday against the Western Illinois Leathernecks, 17-14. It was awesome. Fans stormed the field and everything. It was chaotic. Best homecoming ever. I accidentally got caught up with some high school jocks on an unofficial tour of the Sycamore’s locker room. I had started to wonder when I noticed the absence of women and realized I was the only person snapping pictures. After listening politely to a speech given to the jocks by a staff member of the Sycamore’s team, I quietly slipped out with the next couple of people to leave.

More seriously: spiritually, I’m doing okay. I’m not cold, but then again I’m not hot either. Unfortunately, that places me in the “spew” category according to Revelation 3:16. Something to work on! If it were only that easy.

Academically I am getting by (according to the typical student’s standards at Indiana State), but struggling. As it stands, I don’t believe my GPA registers above 3.0. It’s a relatively easy fix: develop a study habit. Oops. I should have said the problem quickly diagnosed, and the solution easy to prescribe. I have three major projects due this week. One paper for contemporary literary writers, a paper for intro to research in communication, and a team blog entry for persuasion. For media and society I have the usual heavy reading to do, and for plant survey I have an exam this week. It is high time I put my butt into gear and do some things that will make me feel pretty darn accomplished by the end of, oh, tomorrow morning.

Socially I’m doing fine. But I don’t really do much with people, even though I have my license now. It’s hidden by the busyness of college life, to be honest. Sundays are pretty good exceptions, if mom doesn’t have me come home.

Having a drivers license doesn’t really free you. Mom isn’t too fond of me being out, and I almost didn’t make it to homecoming yesterday. Even though I’m 20 (as others are quick to point out), I still live under her roof. It’s just... rather frustrating.

Finances are holding up. God provides. Pleased to say that He’s given me enough to give back. Enough said.

I’ve been paranoid for the past few months that I am going to catch the flu, or something. This is only because I have heard of so many people coming down sick. Last week, it was mom and Becca who came down sick with something, though it wasn’t anything near severe. I doubt swine flu (er, H1N1) will seriously affect me, but you never know.

Mini-marathon training progress report: after weeks without running, I managed to have one warm day last week to go on a 3.5 mile run. I ached badly for two days afterward.

New Problems | Drivers License

Thu, 01 Oct 2009 05:05:42 GMT

[Disclaimer. The following was written like five days ago, but I forgot to publish it. I am happy to say that a few things have changed positively in the spiritual sector and are going great right now. I need to type another entry, I think.]

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Two weeks later, I still find myself in much the same position spiritually. As a matter of fact, I could echo my previous entry. But I prefer that you’d read it.

New problems: college. I have come to realize that I have no post-graduate plan. I do not know where I will work, where I want to work, or what I want to do. I have no concept of a dream job. Out of all the things I can visualize about my future and life 20 years from now, my career is the fuzziest. Even though I’m going to college and majoring in communication, I do not feel led to any occupation.

In what I like to do, write and play the piano, I am not quite good enough. YES I know you’re thinking that I undermine myself. But frankly, writing is necessary for most occupations anyway (and the more serious writing more of a secondary unofficial occupation on the side), and piano playing the way I do it is only good for personal enjoyment and playing worship at church.

After writing, I am left with some skills and abilities, but little that is outstanding or exceptionally useful, and no clear direction to go. What I lack most is DIRECTION. I’m becoming increasingly unenthusiastic about my college studies (which recently have not gone terribly well). Life for me is not pointless. Life for me is aimless until I figure out where I want to go.

Drivers license: September 17, 2009, I got my license and made sure the whole world knew. (Or, as some people would put it, knew to stay out of my way. Carrie joked that it could be considered as a ‘license to kill’.) I’ve enjoyed driving myself to and from college, despite several close calls that WERE NOT my fault. (My apologies for the occasional emphasizing CAPS in today’s entry.) A few times, I’ve taken a slightly different route just to enjoy the scenery. Playing errand boy for mom is okay so far, since the errands have all been along the way and haven’t cost me any gas. Having my license makes it easier to get to church during festivals. And the money I’m saving on gasoline is more than paying for drivers insurance too.

One Dropped Call

Sun, 13 Sep 2009 01:03:27 GMT

Saturday, September 12, 2009

One dropped call.

Last Sunday, I could have written a very positive and happy entry. Pastor Troy’s message on the Holy Spirit was impacting, and I responded to the altar to reconcile and seek forgiveness. And what a feeling of grace, mercy, the lightening when my shame and my sin was taken away! God had called, and I had answered.

In less than thirty-six hours, Satan had craftily planned out his next move. Monday evening, this renewed man of God fell. God had called, but on my end I let that call drop.

Tuesday morning you could say I redialed, got through, but didn’t follow through with the call itself. I made it until Thursday, but without grounding myself firmly in God, I slipped up again. And I haven’t redialed since.

I am told that I hold myself accountable for a lot. And I do. On this livejournal (and in inspirational statuses and tweets that I intend to challenge myself more than others), I talk the talk. I rail against my sin, criticize my shortcomings, and make lofty goals. Yet I can easily walk away from a any journal entry and live as if those inspirations never came to mind and as if those accusations were never delivered.

Why can’t I break away from this sin? I must ask: do I truly hate my sin and the habit I am stuck in? According to this past week, it would seem that I do not harbor enough hatred for this sin that keeps me separated from God and His everlasting love, mercy and freedom. If no man can truly serve two masters, and if I am not serving God with this lifestyle, then I only serve my sin.

It’s a borrowed and cliché metaphor, but I feel like two people inside are in constant conflict, and the person I have fed always beats down the one I have not.

That I am not hurting others, or even myself, with this sin is a lie that Satan works hard to convince me to believe. Sin is like a seed. Once planted, it can grow to maturity and send other seeds into the wind. It will spread and spread and take root in every furrow and on every hill. That someone else might be influenced negatively by my behavior is a truthfully sobering notion.

The void inside my heart where God should be only provides room for my emotions to emptily echo and room for my desires to grow.

One Missed Call

Thu, 03 Sep 2009 18:31:51 GMT

Thursday, September 03, 2009

One Missed Call.

Yes, I purposefully stole the movie name. But the comparisons stop there, because I have yet to actually see the movie. Perhaps I should watch the movie and actually relate what I’m about to type to whatever is featured in the movie, but then again that’s wasteful of my time.

The call I refer to is an altar call.

Warning: this livejournal entry is, due to my current emotional and psychological state, going to feel like a relatively disorganized one, at least compared to my other entries.

Backing up:

I quickly realized upon returning to college that I wasn’t ready for it. Spiritually, that is. So I stumbled into some old habits, though not as deeply as before. Don’t feel like clarifying right now. The spiritual degradation has been a long time coming. I might feel God as close Sundays or Wednesdays but not so much at other times in the week. I slack off in reading my Bible or prayer. Last Sunday during prayer, God felt so, so, distant. I could in no way connect.

One Missed Call:

So last night in youth group Pastor Troy’s message concerning the “Christian test” was hard-hitting. Kind of like a sermon a week earlier about being someone else online, something that also hit me hard (that’s something for later discussion), but didn’t impact me beyond that night and moment.

I failed Pastor Troy’s Christian test, and I knew it. I’ve fallen back into old habits, that old creature, don’t feel God close and can’t seem to even trick myself into thinking He’s there. Despite that, I know God’s relentlessly pursuing me.

The altar call is given, and I admit, I stood rooted to the spot (relatively; my feet shifted nervously as I debated back and forth about answering the altar call). I KNEW it was for me. I KNEW I’ve backslidden some and need to reconcile myself with God. I KNEW it would be a humbling experience, not just because I would be one of the supposed “spiritually strong” people to go forward, but also it’d be telling God “I fail at living for You without You.”

My legs are shaking, I’m practically trembling and yet even as I ask myself what’s keeping me from rushing to that altar and the Holy Spirit is convicting me... I cannot go. In my heart, I know that had I responded to that altar that God would have had mercy, blessed mercy, and opened the floodgates of heaven. I am as sure of this as of anything that I would have truly been able to break down in His presence and release to Him everything I struggle with. That would I choose to write a livejournal entry, it would be instead a testimonial instead of a regret.

As the service winds down, I actually feel relieved, but know that it’s a blatant fleshly response. And relief gives away to depression, misery, and regret that fails to be covered by the natural and wholesome pleasures life presents me that evening and today.

Because of my One Missed Call.

Currently:

Relationships with people: great

Finances: great

All other things in life: great and generally being amazing.

God and me: not so great.

Everything is going so right and so great right now and yet I’m depressed because God’s not a part of it. Heck, if there’s anything for me to completely lose it and become emotional and shed some tears about, it’s this. Oh wait. I can’t cry. Haven’t been able to since November 2007... (by this time, I should note that the reason has nothing to do with the particular event that November of 2007. I really don’t understand why the tears refuse to fall.)

End of Summer 2009 Review

Thu, 27 Aug 2009 17:11:22 GMT

End of Summer Review

The three months spanning the end of the Spring semester to the commencement of the Fall semester were sometimes rocky and unpredictable ones indeed.

Most of my summer was, as I predicted, spent doing nothing. I practiced driving, but didn’t do it much until I went for a drive with Pastor Troy last July. My confidence was increased after that (and conquering some traffic in Greencastle, Plainfield, and Avon), and I’ve driven a lot more since then. (If I’m with mom, she doesn’t do much driving.) The only reason I haven’t gotten my drivers license yet is because I let my learners permit expire, and renewed it mid-July. Upon calling the DMV, I was told that I had to have the new permit for 60 days before I could take the driving test. I hope to be able to do that September 15.

On a related note, being a car owner absolutely smacked my bank account, with about $350 going toward repairs. My bank account was perilously close to the minimum balance up until the final Friday of the summer, when the overpayment check from ISU arrived in the mail. I worried almost constantly about money over the summer, yet God continued to show me that He was still in charge and knew exactly how much I needed!

Teen camp, the Owen County Fair, and the State Fair were the highlighted events. Teen camp was strangely not as good (for me) as it tends to be, which didn’t help spiritually. (Refer to my Teen Camp 2009 Testimony for more.) The Owen County Fair was as hectic as usual. Monday and Tuesday were made interesting by a vehicle breakdown, and mom had to borrow a truck the mechanic kindly lent to us. Somehow, I managed to avoid going to the fair both Tuesday and Thursday, the latter day where I was able to go to Cedar Point with a few people. The Indiana State Fair I only attended twice, the least I’ve been in years, I believe. I managed to escape a bit of the craziness that surrounds this annual event, and had a few days with the house to myself.

I managed to get into shape this summer! My concern was split between my worry about finding myself gaining ten or fifteen pounds since I started the 2008 Fall semester and my other concern about being out of breath after a quick five minutes of basketball one Wednesday evening. Since I signed up for the 500festival mini-marathon next May, I’ve been running. My longest run has been something in the order of 5 miles, but mostly I’ve run 3.5. Over the summer, I’ve cut my time for that distance from 38 minutes to 29 minutes. Indiana State has a new recreation center with a long indoor track, so I’ll be running on that soon.

Like I predicted in my May 11 entry, this summer did find me doing a lot of journal writing, though I’ll admit that I had a couple near-relationships. Most of the time, though, a happy and stable relationship seemed like a broken and worn-out wish. In the interest of other people involved and the possibility that one near-relationship might still come to blossom, I’ll leave it there. I have a private journal for that stuff.

I note with amusement that in an unpublished but short entry last May, I thought that the most attainable goal in the short-term was servicing the lawn mower and taming the lawn. Well, that lawn mower blew smoke and sputtered every five seconds. To my angst, I was forced to stick to a section of the front yard that wouldn’t get away from me and the old-fashioned mower that couldn’t cut tall grass very well.

Summer was a strange one for dreams. Check out my May 28 and May 29 entries.

And finally, the saddest part of my summer: Carrie moving away. A former co-worker of hers was really being creepy and stalker-like, showing up at church even, which prompted her move after a few very stressful months on our family. This was the thing I refused to directly mention at the start of a few entries. I personally deal with anger against him, and have had a hard time letting that go. I haven’t seen her for a bit over three weeks now. We skype and we chat on the phone, but it really isn’t the same. I’m a bit surprised at how easily I managed to adjust to one fewer person being around the house, but only in that I didn’t automatically take four sets of utensils or napkins out for meal times. Life without Carrie around... still seems a bit unusual.

Looking ahead:

I can make no official predictions about the Fall semester! I anticipate that my major classes might be a little difficult, but that at the completion of the semester they’ll make me more confident about looking for a job in the Communication area. Zach Combs is attending ISU, so I believe that we’ll be able to hang out and become pretty good chums. I’ll get my drivers license, and so will have more freedom to do what I need around Terre Haute and elsewhere. I hope to be able to actually make some decent friendships that go beyond the classroom, and there’s a chance that the worn-out and broken wish could finally be granted. I’m taking two professors I’ve had before, one for the third semester in a row. One’s enjoyably energetic and crazy, though tough. The other tends to drone on and be a bit dry, but is a good one nevertheless.

The most potentially scary thing? It could be swine flu, which conveniently hits my age demographic the hardest. The way they make it out, an outbreak of this thing could close down my campus. The moment they have the vaccine available, I’m getting it. Until then, I’ll pay extra attention to hand washing.

Summaries 2.0

Mon, 17 Aug 2009 15:50:42 GMT

Monday, August 17, 2009

I haven’t updated this in a couple of weeks. While I was writing this, somebody posted on my facebook wall that I was behind in entries...! So, wall poster, I hope you’re satisfied. ;)

Here’s a bright note: my summer appears to be at least trying to wind around to a happier conclusion. After being out of classes for three sometimes rocky months, I’m ready to return, yet part of me now wants my summer to keep going endlessly. I’ll have to wait to write my complete End of Summer Review as soon as I get back to classes, though. But here’s what’s happened lately:

The Indiana State Fair has commenced, and though I’ve only been to it once, Becca and mom have now gone a whopping four times. The state fair isn’t quite as fun to me anymore, though I would like to go with other people. Somehow, it just doesn’t work out for that (but maybe again this Saturday...). And we’ll probably be going twice more. Sometimes, I feel like I’m still in 4-H because of all the shows I still attend with mom and Becca!

For my birthday, I finally did get to go see G.I. Joe with a couple friends. A freaking good action movie, though not much going on plot wise.

I’ve driven a lot more lately. It grates on me when mom tells me to slow down. It’s hard sometimes to drive even as fast (slow) as she does! But I’m a lot more confident, though I’m steering away from driving in downtown Indianapolis.

And I can’t wait to get some freedom. Mom is generally what you can call a “helicopter parent” (a term, strangely enough, I got from an episode of The Simpsons). She likes to hover around and be a bit too heavily involved in whatever we’re doing sometimes. When I get my license, I won’t have to depend on her to take me places or be forced to live within her inability to be away from home past 10pm some nights. Then again, she might constantly send me out on errands. But... that might actually be fun!

I miss Carrie... we’ve skyped and chatted but it’s not quite the same as having her around anymore. Twitter has been an entertaining way of keeping up with her and Kay.

I bought textbooks last Thursday. An amazing testimony resulted. I walked into the bookstore with $350, $300 of it from a check that I had hesitated to tithe off of. I didn’t even know that $350 would be enough to buy the books. After I had collected the last of my books and gone to the register, the final total was $319.40. God left enough for the $30 I had not yet tithed! I set things right yesterday when the offering plate was passed. God is so amazing, and I was so humbled.

On a related note, my remissions of fees form was processed, and I have a decent sum of money from “overpayment” headed my way! Last semester, I had arrogantly said that it could be enough to last me through to the end of the year, but instead I have found that it is barely enough to last me to the end of my summer! Regardless, God is good!

Though things are getting better on an uneven yet slowly upward sloping incline, relationships with people are improving. I have had to shut off text updates from facebook, because I only have 30 or so texts to last me through 12 days. All this new social connection could get expensive! (I do blame my birthday and an entertaining comment conversation on my facebook status concerning a mouse briefly dashing up my pant leg for using large chunks of my text allocation this month.)

Online counseling seems to have dried up, though I still keep in contact with a few of the people. The decision to decline being a counselor seems to have been a good one. CTF now has a couple new male counselors, and I think they’re good for the *official* job.

As far as running goes, I’ve slacked off since my last entry. I’ve run twice; the first time was horrendous, the second time felt great. I really should get out and discipline myself to run nearly every day like I was doing. But still, I’m confident that I can build my body up to run the 13 mile mini-marathon come next May. But it’s just so hot and muggy out right now! Indiana State has a new recreation center that I’ll take advantage of, though. Temperate running through the year! Hurrah!

Summaries

Thu, 30 Jul 2009 18:30:29 GMT

Thursday, July 30, 2009

I officially use the last of my toes and fingers to count up to my age tomorrow. I turn 20! Two decades. Isn’t that an accomplishment and a testimony to survival?

It looks like I might put off doing anything Sunday by a week, considering there are other things going on. Also, the GI Joe movie comes out later, and that’ll be something most people haven’t seen. There wouldn’t be anything, hardly, good to watch this Sunday.

For my birthday itself, it seems that I’ll be attending Kay and Carrie’s going away party. Which, I expect, will not have any guys around my age. (Instead, it’ll be girls...) This reminds me of my seventh birthday, where I was with Carrie’s all-girl baseball team. Mom jokes that this time around, I’ll actually like having the girls!

Apparently I won’t be able to get my drivers license until September 15. This is because I renewed my learners a couple weeks ago, and must hold the permit for 60 days, regardless that I had one before and am so freaking ready NOW to take the test. Argh.

Carrie leaves this Saturday and I can’t imagine what hole that’ll leave once it happens. Yeah, I can get along for a few days, but long-term I honestly have no idea. It’s something we’ll all need to get used to: being far away from each other as life takes us along different paths. Especially mom, who seems too clingy sometimes.

Yesterday I dropped off my “remission of fees” form at ISU. It’s after they sent me the bill, and I wish I had remembered to take the form along a month ago when I was last in Terre Haute. Oops! Hopefully, things can get straightened out and I won’t have to start the semester $300 in the hole, instead of a couple grand to pay for expenses the whole way.

Lately I’ve built up a new texting habit (mostly with camp friends), and worry that 250 texts a month might not be enough! I’m going to need to scale it back just a little bit or upgrade my plan, lol.

Also of late I’ve found myself doing some counseling on the online forum I’m on, and some off of it too. God seems to want to use me as of late to reach out to people. I’m telling God, ‘okay, I’m here, You put me here, You get me through this’ in some cases. (Rather like I’ve done with my spot on the Sunday worship team as lead instrumental.) I think I have confidence in myself like Gideon. You know the story. But for now I’m helping people as they come along.

Noticed that a couple people I thought I wouldn’t be able to get along with again are actively working to prove me wrong. I can deal with that. It’s just hard for me to expect it.

Ran 5 miles the other day. But the next day I felt as mobile as a bag of cement, so I don’t know whether or not to say I’ve accomplished much in running!

Cycles

Fri, 24 Jul 2009 03:42:33 GMT

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Through the past couple weeks, I’ve calmed down. I’m going back to just waiting for the “right girl” again. Then again, my life can be so tumultuous that I could find myself looking at yet someone else and wondering about future prospects. The future is murky and the past less so, and I’m just reporting the trend over the past couple weeks. It’s a cycle.

Looking at my livejournal, I also appear to be in another good cycle as far as relationships with people are concerned. I don’t know for sure how long it’ll last, or even if it’s already over, but nevertheless it’s something decent to report and I’ll do it here.

As far as driving goes, I’m gaining confidence in my ability, though a bit frustrated I don’t find it in myself to ask of mom for me to take the wheel to practice more. I keep making excuses to myself that we’re in a hurry, or Carrie’s sitting up front and probably doesn’t want to move, or something else. I have now just under five weeks until classes start, and driving myself would be a good thing, especially for mom. There’s a chance I could pass a driving test right now, actually. I really should think about getting one scheduled soon. Perhaps the 31st, my 20th birthday? That’s an idea.

Speaking of my twentieth birthday, I’ve been considering going up to Metropolis in Plainfield with a few guys on the 2nd, going to see a movie, and hanging out in the stores or whatever. Should be fun, I would hope.

Mini-marathon training is going alright. I’ve bumped myself from 3.5 to something like 3.8, and should be planning to take that to the four mile route soon. But tonight was one of those nights where the pain in my side was bugging me. It’s crazy. I can go a whole run without it, yet some nights it just kills me. It’s very frustrating.

The Broken Wish Revisited | Unprecedented Texting

Sun, 12 Jul 2009 22:49:57 GMT

Sunday, July 12, 2009

So... yeah. Mom, I’m quite sure, read my livejournal. I have my ways of knowing. Like the discussion we had last night, and the web page that was hastily clicked off of when I went to inform her of my plans to go on a run an hour before our chat. I’m going to reply to the discussion surrounding my previous entry, and after church there’s more to talk about today than I thought.

Sure, I guess it’s normal for me to see other people pairing up left and right, and feel left out. And perhaps it’s normal to feel left out without a date to anywhere or any event. And I suppose the loneliness and frustration and emptiness is normal, too, right? Ah, well...

During the church service today, we had a missionary speaker. Interestingly enough, a large part of his message (well, talk) was how he didn’t want to be single and go into the mission field. And he didn’t get married until he was 39 or something. Which, I sorrowfully note, is my current lifetime times two. Though one interesting point he made was that God didn’t need to have 20 or so women for him to choose from... he only needed one. He said he was so uncertain about whoever God might have for him that he told God to beat him over the head with it. Hey, yeah, Lord, beat me over the head whenever you find the lady you want for me, cool? *Sigh* So that was an interesting message today, and I figured I was one of the few people that one was for. Coincidence. Right?

~*~*~*~

Something else I thought about yesterday, but didn’t have a chance to write.

So I’ve noted that I now have a crazy amount of texts a month, 250 (admittedly, the smallest plan available). The thing is, I don’t really spend them on people. In fact, I only text Carrie and occasionally one person I’ve met online. I recently subscribed to updates from facebook, but it’s not like people are always sending me messages or posting on my wall or commenting on my facebook status.

So what to do? I’m afraid of suddenly texting people, if only because I have no precedent for it. What will people think if I decide to start randomly texting them? Sure, maybe a lot less than I think. But I have no idea how to even start. I’ve never done it before. “What’s up?” The simplest two words I can send, yet I have no idea how to even start. I can’t get my mind unwrapped from the psychoanalyzing habit. If whoever I text doesn’t really consider me a friend, are they going to view me as clingy, a nuisance, or will they even respond? Seriously... if I send one text and never get a response from that person, it’s the last time I’ll text them, because surely they don’t want to be bothered, right? Ugh. Big freaking UGH.

The Broken and Worn Out Wish

Sat, 11 Jul 2009 14:29:44 GMT

Saturday, July 11, 2009

I’m very surprised at how quickly this last week went by. Well, I survived the Owen County Fair. Wow. I actually skipped going to it for two days. Can you believe it?

One of the days I skipped the fair was Thursday. Thursday, I actually managed to go to Cedar Point with a few other people from the youth group. Initially, I couldn’t go because Thursday was to be such a busy day. But then mom decided she could manage without me, and said I could go - right after I had been told someone else was found to go and there was no longer room for me. Then someone canceled and there was room. Actually, two people canceled, so there were a total of five of us going to Cedar Point.

Cedar Point was pretty fun. The rides and all were spectacular. The downer (as most good things seem to have this summer), was that it felt like I was tagging along on a double date. Being there with two other couples (and even half of the music played there was love songs) shortly after realizing that things won’t work out between Callie and I played with my emotions.

You see, I’m just upset and unsatisfied. What I’m still looking for is that special someone to be with... ah, so many things come to mind when I think about what we’d be to each other.

After noting that I was all alone on this “double date” of sorts, J.D. said at the park that they would have to find me someone. Even Travis was sending my picture on his cell phone to some of his female friends Wednesday night, trying to find me a prospective girlfriend.

Frankly, though, nothing works out. Ideally, I’d find someone at church and things would develop from there. That’s not panning out, apparently, so I’m wondering if I’ll find someone at college. But last semester, and the preceding three semesters, nothing whatsoever worked out. I hardly got to know anybody, period, with a few exceptions. It’s my unassertive, introverted character that just doesn’t let me get out and get to know people. I’m too quiet and reserved. (Two traits that swelled to the forefront at Cedar Point; J.D. noticed on multiple occasions.) I don’t try to be anti-social, but that’s how I come across.

It’s just easier to get to know people online. Though even there my character traits bleed over on occasion, I’m simply a ton more outgoing and talkative there. I’m somebody that I’m not. So what’s the use of getting to know people online? Oh, great, it’s that question again. I will completely lose it again if I try to isolate myself from the online community. “Online friends” is growing almost faster than my “church friends” list on facebook, and I’m being picky about who I add. Sure, they constitute a mere 20% of my friends on facebook, but to be honest they take up far better than 80% of my socializing. I’ve made a few great friendships online and wouldn’t give it back, but I’m so disconnected from people in my area.

What’s wrong with being the lonely romantic? Why can’t I just be content in the land of singles? Sure, it’s probably best that I’m not messing around with multiple girls, but to be honest that’s not my intent at all. I’ll be totally content to find “her” (the mythical young lady I’ll eventually marry, if at all...) today and never get to know another young lady better. Perhaps God is purposefully keeping anything from working out until I should meet “her.” The problem being that I can’t figure out how I’ll know it’s “her.”

Yeah, I could write up a list of what my perfect lady would be. And somehow, other people have managed to find their perfect someone who adheres to the requirements of that list. But would I adhere to my own list? I make too many exceptions and only widely define who is acceptable, so as to cast a wider net. Even then, I can find nobody.

More Suckish News...

Tue, 07 Jul 2009 12:58:45 GMT

Monday, July 06, 2009

-later-

When it rains, it pours. My summer has a serious case of “good news!... wait, bad news... wait, worse news...” What the freaking heck?

So today my car was shuddering badly, so mom took it in to Bauer Tire and they took a look at it. Turns out that the front left brake locked up. That’s going to set me back an additional $75. Mom’s using a loaner vehicle right now, which was nice of them. Her driving in unfamiliar vehicles scares me, though, so I’m glad I’m not coming along for the ride tomorrow.

...partially because I am evidently coming down with a case of the flu. Or something. I’m getting achy and have a headache. Maybe it’ll be gone when I wake up in the morning. I don’t know. But the flu is the absolute last thing I need this week. Well, I’ll get back to this journal at the end of the week. Maybe I’ll have something else that I absolutely could have done without. It probably won’t be the sunburn I think I got today.
(Tuesday) Well, it did go away with a night's sleep, but even so it's probably evidence of things taking a physical toll on me. I already feel the headache returning.

Oh, and my social skills really do suck. I’m having... people issues. I’ll leave it at that. You can infer from the rest. One of my tremendously charming and crippling character qualities has ruined something, and I can kiss a little piece of good news that I thought would brighten my summer goodbye. Now it’s gone and made things worse than before. Stability in this area is once again a worn-out and broken wish...

I want to... NEED to... escape. Have a nice little getaway, and cease to worry about anything my horrendous summer has been. Nothing good this summer has been constant. I feel I’m simply reduced to waiting for life to hit bottom now. It’s completely and totally wearing on me.

I no longer have much confidence that the next week can be better than this week. Instead, I increasingly expect to look back at the previous week and heartily wish for the circumstances of yesterday.

A Crippling Character | Owen County Fair

Mon, 06 Jul 2009 14:02:59 GMT

Monday, July 06, 2009

My unassertive, introverted, and lacking in self-confidence character is crippling me. It makes me socially awkward, and I can’t handle that. It makes me hesitant to try things and even hurts my will to learn to drive. It makes me wait for someone else to make the first move, while they’re probably not willing to make the effort for someone who’s waiting for something to happen first.

I kind of hate group gatherings. Last night at the picnic found me mostly alone, except when playing the ultimate Frisbee game. I keep finding myself standing or sitting off by myself, disengaged from whatever conversation I happen to be around, and just staring off into space. I can’t ever get myself to sit with a group of people, not at the picnic and not in youth group, and I can’t strike up a conversation because I can’t figure out what to say. And most of the time, people talk about things in conversations that I have no idea how to contribute to. I also care too greatly what other people think, and that holds me back too. It helps to keep me from sitting with anyone, it helps to keep my mouth shut instead of saying something that people laugh at me for (or just ignore completely), and probably keeps me separated from everyone lest people think I’m strange for suddenly wanting to be social.

So now I’m stuck inside this character mold. This stupid rut which again and again drives me to write these redundant entries and post them into my livejournal.

In other news, this week is the Owen County fair, and I’ll be tied up helping Becca with her 4-H projects. Not that I have anything else to do, anyway. Besides, since I told people mom wouldn’t let me go on a trip to Cedar Point this Thursday, they found someone else. Of course, mom later tells me she’s thought about it and will let me go. Too late. So I’m freakishly bummed about that. Anyway, I’m looking at a ton of stress this week, and I’m not even showing any of the animals. I’ll be helping do Becca’s job, which I find dumb considering 1) they’re her projects and 2) mom’s making her do some of them whether she likes it or not. I really want to escape this week. Maybe next year, I’ll deliberately take summer courses that overlap the county fair. Then we’ll see how dependent mom is on me to help Becca do too many things once again.

Happy Independence Day! | Marathon Training Progress Report

Sat, 04 Jul 2009 14:33:22 GMT

July 4, 2009

A quick entry.

Happy Independence Day! God bless America!

I’ll be doing my celebrating tomorrow, at the church picnic. I regret that I will not be able to attend any firework shows, but there’s a decent chance I’ll see some go off tonight.

I’ve been working more on my running lately. I’ve gotten up to 3.5 miles, which I can do in roughly 38 minutes. I want to do it in 35, lol, but I’ll slowly work my way over to that. Actually, the thing I need to work on is increasing my mileage, but I’ll keep running 3.5 miles for a while longer. All this in preparation for the 13.2 mile 500festival mini-marathon next May! This is going to be great.

The Intermediary | Sunday

Sat, 04 Jul 2009 14:26:40 GMT

Friday, July 03, 2009

Typing this out tonight, posting tomorrow. It’s how things usually work around here.

So lately my role as intermediary between my dad and my family has been an extremely stressed one. Some sort of financial conflict, stuff I can’t talk about, and stuff I feel I know too much about for it to be of little concern to me... or of huge concern. It also feels like I have two sides just unable to cooperate with each other, and since I’m caught in the middle I feel the stress of behaving in a finely tuned way according to the rules of whichever side has me at the moment. I can’t take a position with either side, and find myself neutral in most arguments. It’s hard to feel I get an unbiased, objective, story from anybody...

So spiritually, I’ve been crawling through the mud. And seeing how I have this likely and upcoming relationship with Callie, I’ve been feeling rather guilty about not being the man I can be in Christ, and recently determined to change. Naturally, I know that using Callie as the reason is essentially begging for future spiritual suicide, because my choices and lifestyle won’t be based on anything solid. I need to base things on God instead. Callie’s a wake-up call, but God’s the real reason I need to change.

Jason Espinoza is attending church Sunday. He’s the former pianist for the worship team, and he’s good. Eek! Well, he’s not judgmental, but it still makes me a slight nervous for him to hear me play. <-<

I’m so freakishly excited and impatient for Sunday to come. I want to totally skip July 4. I’m not doing anything anyway, just helping Becca check in her goats and then washing them. Oh well. As you might guess, I’m also waiting to be able to hang out with Callie. Might go to Long John Silvers even if nobody else wants to, hang out at the park... should be fun. :)

It’s 10:30pm, as I finish this. I think sleeping will pass the time in an acceptably quick way. Less than 36 hours until start of Sunday morning service!

Finances | Feeling Low | Driving | Toxic

Mon, 22 Jun 2009 23:02:04 GMT

Monday, June 22, 2009

Unfortunately, I find myself writing about something good because of what neutralized it. Or will probably neutralize it.

I’ll keep things simple. So last Wednesday I was gifted with a notable sum of money, which I gladly accepted as help to pay for upcoming expenses with college. Also, I did some work over the weekend with a man from my church in his woodshop for some money.

Then, I find out that I’ll probably have to replace two tires on the car. (Hopefully it’s tires and not something else...) There goes a good chunk of that money. We get those tires checked out today. Also, the van is currently out of order. (Won’t start.) Even though I “lent” mom $200 a few weeks back, it’s likely that not only will I not have a chance of getting paid back now, but I might have to “lend” her more money.

Expenses always come up, and I’m too nice to ask for repayment on any of the loans I give her. Last year, I lent a couple hundred on the same premise of gradual repayment, but that never panned out. Mom’s personal credit score with me is extremely low... but how can I deny her the money she needs? All I need her to do is stop investing in anything that eats or dies (after requiring money to be poured into a vain and in my opinion hardly valiant effort to save it). Maybe, just maybe, she could remember that her son keeps lending her money, and instead of spending money on another goat or another pair of prized show chickens (highly classifiable under the “eats or dies” category), why can’t she just pay me back? (Animals are rarely returning investments around here.) Technically, it’s for college costs anyway. Like I’ve used it 100% for that (but definitely mostly for college expenses), but that’s a different inner ethical struggle.

Well, that turned into a mini-rant.

Things keep reaching new lows. I never know when the position I wish I could get out of now will look great in the span of a couple weeks or even days. Hopes are welcome, but brief before they are dashed. Spiritually, you would think that I would be desperate to get closer to God, right? It’s not really there right now. It just isn’t. Something dried... something died... somewhere inside.

Driving... I have long suspected that I have a serious phobia of it. Unfortunately, I must come out and say I have a fear of driving. I know that driving with mom doesn’t help. Perhaps I pick up way too much of a lack of confidence behind the wheel from her. I don’t know. Sunday, Pa had me drive. I did fine, but still don’t have much confidence at all. I’m finding it harder to get myself to do this driving thing.

One last thing. This is turning me into a toxic personality. Almost like I want everyone to know how bad things are going. Then again, I don’t want people to know things are going badly. In a way, I’m living two different lives in front of two different groups of people. One with a plastic mask. The other, without. At this moment, I think back to my dream with the sewage plant out in the back woods. And I wonder if I’m still polluting a pure stream.

Just Another Update

Mon, 15 Jun 2009 22:12:37 GMT

Sunday, June 14, 2009

So there’s the thing I don’t talk about to anyone. Those in the know, those select few (literally) will accurately guess what that is. I’m praying for God to bring me and those involved through it much stronger and better off. But sometimes I think that in itself is a miracle God might withhold.... it’s a lack of faith to think God can’t, but is it a lack of faith to doubt that, while believing He can, will He do it?

My car got fixed, again. This time, the brake lines rusted out. The first problem was the speed sensor, which wouldn’t let the car move. As usually follows the next problem turns out that the car can’t stop. Thankfully, we discovered that at the safety of home, not on the road.

Repairs ran me $164. Since I “loaned” mom $200 and have a $75 cell phone bill coming in (huge because it’s the first month and a half all combined with activation and purchase fees), my bank account is getting a little tight. I worry about buying books next semester. Mom suggests that I talk to Pa about chipping in, which actually makes sense. Considering, after all, that he’s supposed to be paying at least a third of my college costs and that he hasn’t paid anything since my first year. I haven’t held that against him, especially when he’s had his bills and taxes skyrocket, but if it comes down to it he’s going to get a reality check in that area.

On the plus side, I might have a little part-time work for the summer, helping out a man in the church build wood crafts, et cetera. I used to do that with him and had a good time with it. That’s a bit of money to cover my expenses and et cetera and hold me out until next semester. I also seem to have forgotten the $500 half of my $1,000 scholarship. What do you know? God appears to be looking out for me.

In preparation for the 13.1 mini-marathon next May, I’m seriously planning to do some running every day now. I have found that running up and down the driveway gives some serious exercise. The fourth time up that steep hill started to wind me and wear me down though, but I made it up six times, once walking. I’ll slowly work my way to like ten or so, then start jogging down the road.

Outlook for the future as of current: uncertain, but bright and intriguing.

Teen Camp 2009 Testimony

Mon, 15 Jun 2009 22:03:26 GMT

Teen Camp 2009 Testimony

I’ll admit that this camp wasn’t as, say, dramatically life-altering as camps usually are. However, I think that I might have gained a few lessons for the long-term instead.

It was nice for a change to not have to concentrate on playing worship rather than giving it. I think that’s the definite benefit of camp that sticks out.

Tuesday night’s sermon on making every moment count got to me, because I notoriously waste my time on everything. So I have to get to it, make every moment count for God, and stop slacking.

Results so far: I’ve been inspired to start running, when I actually have a time period to do it. What I’m still missing is the dedication for daily prayer and devotions...

Thursday night was a sermon for grace. Grace can do five things: make the impossible possible, raise the bar, draw a crowd, inspire dreams, and change everything. I went up for the raise the bar part. I later got prayed for on the dreams part, because I know I have God-given [developing] talent in writing and on the keyboard.

Results so far: Uh... nada... or at the least nothing immediate. My current reasoning is that perhaps this is a seed that has been planted that may take a while to grow to maturity.

Wednesday night was for the anointing of the Holy Spirit. It has been about two years since I’ve had it. Last year I prayed for and didn’t receive it (and one altar where I felt that God was telling me that it wasn’t my time to be up there, which bummed me out). Due to some confusion and trying to obediently wait for a “come if you want refilled” call, I didn’t initially go up to the altar. Being as I usually am about coming to an altar late, I just stayed at my seat and prayed a bit. Later feeling that it was a good time to go to the altar, I went, prayed, was prayed for, yet did not receive. Perhaps God does not think me ready yet.

At this time, I’m still confused as to what exactly God wants me to do with life. For now, I have to trust that I’m following His will going through college, eventually getting that drivers license, et cetera. Kind of like a “God guide me as I pick classes for next semester” thing.

Overall, I think I actually took a bit of a spiritual hit and slid some since camp. It reminds me of the youth convention experience last November, where I came expecting great things and left feeling like I got practically nothing. I got a bit from camp, yet I’m left frustrated. I’m also thinking of “every moment counts” and how there will be all these altar calls ahead at church that, instead of answering, I’ll be playing music for. I can’t get myself to leave the piano/keyboard, especially for Sunday morning service. I’ll give a half-hearted prayer, but without being able to focus completely nothing much really comes of it...

Socialization was actually pretty good. I met a few nice people and hung out with them at random through the week. The one guy from my church I had as a roommate, with three other guys from a church around South Bend, was really annoying. God bless him. Camp wasn’t kind to him, but the guy provoked everyone and basically begged for whatever roughhousing he got. At least I was the nicest person (he even said so himself), but sometimes that didn’t say much...

I would like to end with this: though it did not feel like God really did much for me at camp, I believe God did some good work in a few other people who went, and He even miraculously healed one of our group who badly sprained her ankle in her first hour at camp (healed completely Wednesday night while leaving a dark purple bruise [painless!] as a reminder). I can’t wait for next youth service, and to hear some testimonies from others. I hope God’s given my youth group a fire to burn with.

One Week Later

Thu, 04 Jun 2009 13:17:12 GMT

Thursday, June 04, 2009

A week from the next to last entry, things have changed dramatically.

First, the thing I shall not discuss. Quite unfortunately, I might add. :(

Instead of further considering that “purge,” at the urge of a few people from the Christian Teen Forums (CTF) I rejoined after a two month absence. I have not noticed any of the old, negative things that were part of that forum (causing me to leave in the first place). We’ll see how things develop, but I’m happier for it, and quit the MMORPG I was playing instead.

Relationships with the online people have improved, naturally, though relationships with the people on this side of technology have seemed to remain relatively flat-lined. I’m praying for that to change, for good, next week at camp. Stay tuned.

In the last week, I’ve spiritually improved. For the time being, anyway. But I wonder if that’s due to a recent event that’s made me want to be closer to God, and if this is just an excuse.

More to the point, last night I took off from the youth worship team, and was down with the other people during worship. It was pretty good, and I was able to finally break out a little a worship God, which felt great!

But the altar time left me a little confused. Essentially, it was for those who wanted to feel God’s love, to have more of it in their lives. Through the things telling me that this wasn’t my altar, I was finally able to see that I needed this, and needed a fresh feeling of God’s love. I wanted to serve Him with gladness and joy in my heart, eager to do His will and not mine. I wanted God to take a hold of me like he did late last July and to never let go of that.

But at the altar... nothing happened. Other people had that awesome encounter, and I’m not denying that God was there. But it left me confused and disappointed. I stayed well past most other people, even, but gave it up eventually.

One thing that keeps going through my mind: I hesitated before going to the altar. Sure, there’s the excuse that one never really wants to be the first to make a move for it, but I was ashamed to have waited on someone else first. And maybe because I hesitated, God hesitated?

I’ll keep seeking. “The more I seek You... the more I find You... the more I find You... the more I love You...”

Interesting thing that also happened last night: one of the young men in the youth group sat down next to me during the altar time and told me something that he admitted he wasn’t quite sure why he was to tell me. He said that I was going to leave here eventually, and do great things wherever I went. But I wouldn’t do great things here. Not here.

I’m still pondering over how much of a God thing it was, but it kind of makes sense. I’ve been in this youth group for a few years now, but never got off the ground so to speak, and simply don’t have any influence to go around. Perhaps I’ve been stuck in a mold that keeps me from doing anything great. I even noticed tonight that people were eager to do prayer time before service when someone popular suggested it, and remembered that last year when I suggested it people were slack to even listen to me. The task of great things to be done in this youth group probably belongs to someone else. I’m not the leader here, and these youth need who they see their leaders to take hold of God and lead them according to His will.

Camp is in 94.5 hours (well, that’s how long until I leave). I occasionally get the feeling that something earth-shattering is going to happen. (This could also coincide with what the young man said about me doing great things elsewhere.) I want to expect God to do great things, but I’m trying not to develop an agenda. I’m also cautious that expecting God to do something earth-shattering is an agenda in of itself. Gah! I’ll just have to practice patience and pray to be ready for whatever He wants to do in my life.

Dream Speak

Fri, 29 May 2009 16:21:21 GMT

Friday, May 29, 2009

I’m beginning to wonder if I’m looking too much into my dreams, or if my dreams are taking on more and more meaning. A good part of the time, I can dismiss my dreams as strange, but on occasion my dreams appear to be relating something to me. Perhaps I’m receiving some sort of “heavenly download” as I sleep.

Besides an interesting history of dreams I could relate (one of them being that which I discussed at the end of my last entry about “the Lost Cause”), the motivation for today’s themed entry is last night’s dream, or perhaps dreams.

The first dream involved me walking in the woods on my farm, and coming across what appeared to be some sort of sewage plant nestled into the hillside. There were many pipes, but they were plastic, cheap, flimsy, and in many places had come apart, leaking a black slime. There were other people around, at the top of the hill and away from this strange conflagration I stumbled across in the woods, but I did not really see them. I sensed that they were my immediate family, though.

I walked up to the pipes, and tried to fix them by putting them together, shoving them back in place so that they would no longer leak. Instead, I made the problems worse, and could only watch helplessly as the black slime spilled all over my feet and down the hill, where it polluted a creek that I had once considered mostly pure and clean.

Suddenly, cut to the church. It is Sunday morning, and I’m practicing for worship with the team. I completely destroy the song we’re trying to play. I can’t hit a single right chord, and what’s worse, I realize that the singers have kept singing and the other instruments have kept playing, because this isn’t practice, it’s for real.

Five minutes after I woke this morning, it hit me, rushing in all at once. I’ve mentioned in a few entries about my worship, I think. Well, I just looked back, and noticed I haven’t discussed it that much, so I’ll go more into depth.

Lately, I’ve determined that it has become more about playing than it has worship. One somewhat recent Sunday when there were worship songs played on video for the altar, instead of the team playing, I found that it was hard to worship God. Like a spark that I took for granted to ignite me just didn’t appear. And admittedly, I’ve been thinking in the past week that I can fix this. I thought that I might tell J.D. that I was going to take this next Wednesday off from playing, to be with the crowd. Let him in that I’m losing my ability to worship, and I was sure that he would understand. Plus, teen camp is coming, and that’s 4 evenings where I don’t play, and there’s like 30 minutes or an hour of great worship. I don’t want to spend the entire week relearning to worship, or faking it, which would be worse.

So this is how I take my dream, or dreams; probably one dream. I can’t fix this myself. I’m helpless to seal up the leaking pipes without the help of a professional. I’m probably making matters worse for myself, and meanwhile inside I’m rotting. During worship, I’m polluting a pure stream. Is that how God looks at me, and how I try to worship Him? This is more than terrible, and this is more than just wrong.

To avoid redundancy, I’ll simply ask you to refer back to the opening paragraph.

Socialization, Again | Survey Results | Camp | Does God Want Me to Write This?

Thu, 28 May 2009 13:50:46 GMT

Thursday, May 28, 2009

[written late Wednesday into Thursday morning]

So many things going on, and I’m basically going crazy at some points.

First, the thing I shall not discuss. Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way...

So tonight, being Wednesday, afforded me the opportunity to be at youth group and interact with people. Increasingly, I’ve hit upon what is either my problem, or my lame excuse. I keep looking around at people, and I don’t know who to go up to, or what to say. I have no social starting point. What am I going to say to that person? What about them? Eye contact without any other interaction is getting rather awkward.

Tonight was basically about someone else coming out and talking to me. Those conversations didn’t go far, and most likely it was my fault for not engaging in conversation more. Maybe I don’t want to appear to eagerly latch on to a conversation, or a person. Or perhaps I’ve gotten so unconfident in my socializing ability that I don’t dare break out and say anything further than what is needed to respond to people. Regardless, it seems that I only make it more awkward for the person trying to communicate with me. Sorry about that.

Related random fact: half the time when someone speaks, I see the words as written text inside my head. This probably supports my assumption that I simply communicate better with written words versus spoken ones.

Another thing that entered into my mind tonight...

So there’s this young lady, and since we met at a small groups meeting a week ago last Sunday she’s been rather friendly, greeting me by name and with a smile every Sunday and Wednesday since we met, and it confuses the heck out of me. Why? Because nobody has bothered to be that friendly, and only after barely meeting me, and especially when they obviously have other acquaintances and friends all around, ever. Right? Maybe that’s too negative, but this strikes me as too much of an anomaly, and besides, she played with my name tonight, calling me Zachariah, which I found odd for her hardly knowing me. (Nobody really calls me that anyway.) Last Sunday was kind of odd too, because her little brother came up to me and introduced himself as “[his name], [her name]’s brother.” What’s going on here..?

People still possess the capacity to surprise me. What can I say? Maybe next Sunday I’ll remember her name quicker than two seconds too late after she greets me (which has been to my chagrin), or I’ll greet her first, and we’ll see what happens. In the meantime, I could ask her what’s up over facebook. Haha.

For those who were wondering about my facebook status update about a survey result, here’s the explanation. I decided to do a count of the news stories on my facebook home page, and when I was done, discovered that for every three posts made by people I’ve met for real, two posts were made by someone I’ve met online.

I have not counted the disparity of overall friends.

I also did not consider those people who I’ve barely met or know, or knew for a short time a long while back, or who I am loosely associated with yet have as friends on facebook anyway.

I don’t think that’s very healthy. So I’m considering a purge. Goodbye, every single person I’ve ever met online.

Then again, what good would it do for my relationships with the other people anyway? It’s not like I’ve sacrificed anything to build these semi-relationships with these people on the other side of the connection. And shouldn’t facebook allow me to communicate with either group of people just as easily?

Last time I tried a separation, I couldn’t take being alone, and I just had to go back online with skype, a chat application with internet phone capabilities, that unfortunately does not have any usernames from people I’ve ever met on this side of the connection.

I’ll catch myself wishing that these people were all in my community, because surely life would be better? But if they were, then they would be like everyone else I already interact (or don’t interact) with. A purge would be fruitless and rather idiotic.
I basically need these people to supplement me online with what I can’t get anywhere else. The people on this side of the connection don’t really communicate online, but then again I’m hardly sure what to say to them when they are online.

Camp is in 12 days. I’m looking to just coast into camp, get the God experience, stick with it for a few weeks, then go back to my normal lifestyle like nothing ever happened, returning to God for a few days every other week.

Life like this kind of sucks.

Did I mention that I thought I had a sort of God-inspired book idea? It came to me in a dream - I practically saw the cover of the book and everything. To be titled: the Lost Cause. Plot: young man struggles to save/raise up a church in a dying community. A “lost cause” is to be considered his struggle, but it will take a separate meaning in that “lost cause” will be more of a “cause for the lost.”

I’ve started creating a setting, and some background. I really should be a bit more ambitious on this. Maybe if I’d been a little more attentive to God lately, I could get some more information and heavenly download on this, if it indeed is for real.